emdometriosis part II

Do you ever find yourself googling a medical condition, becoming convinced that you have said medical condition, making an appointment with a medical professional, and then being told that you are perfectly fine and leave the office feeling silly?  As someone who is VERY conscious of every ache and pain and completely aware of my family history of just about every singe deadly disease in the books and strives to live as healthy a life as possible, this scenario has become very repetitive.  I exercise regularly, I eat clean, I take my vitamins, I wear sunscreen, I watch my intake of salt, sugar, and caffeine, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, and I drink tons and tons of water.  I've been to the doctor, convinced that I broke a toe, only to find that I am perfectly fine.  I've been to the doctor, convinced that I had a torn rotator cuff, only to find out that I just have a super flexible shoulder joint.  I've been to the doctor, convinced that I had breast cancer, only to find out that I have super lumpy boobs.  Notice a trend here?

This is why I was so shocked to find out, last week, that my gut feeling was right.  On Wednesday I was diagnosed as having a Uterine Anomaly.  Were it not for my gut feeling that I had Endometriosis, this anomaly would not have been discovered for years.  And were it not for multiple people sharing their stories about endometriosis, I would not have known the condition existed.

So, because I believe in being honest, and because I believe my story has the potential to help other women, today I am sharing part two of my Endometriosis Story.  (read part one here)

 

Two months ago I got a call from my primary care doctor saying that the results from my pelvic ultrasound came back negative.  I did not have endometriosis, just incredible horrible periods.  Knowing this information, I made a follow up appointment with my gynecologist to discuss pain management options - birth control?  Lifestyle changes?  Chloroform and a rag to knock myself out for a couple days each month?  (totally joking.....sort of)

On Wednesday, I entered the office in a good mood, cracking jokes to the receptionist and my mom (who I was so lucky to have with me).  An hour later, I exited in tears after learning that I am one of 5% of women in the United States to have a uterine anomaly called a "uterine septum," a congenital malformation of the uterus caused during the early stages of fetal development.  Beginning as two halves, the uterus slowly comes together,the two sides of the uterus connecting to one another.  But in some fetuses, instead of developing into the normal uterine shape, the uterus remains slightly separated with a vertical septum dividing the two halves.  My gynecologist explained it as having a heart-shaped uterus.  Had this not been discovered now, I would have suffered from multiple miscarriages in the future - since currently, my uterus is not big enough or in the correct shape to carry a baby to full term.  Due to the abnormal shape of my uterus, my monthly blood flow is being redirected out of the falopian tubes, which both explains my incredibly painful periods, and puts me at an increased risk of having endometriosis.  As you can imagine, my head is spinning with information, unfamiliar emotions, and a million questions that won't be answered for another month.  Do I have endometriosis?  If so, how bad is it?  How extreme is my uterine septum?  Will I be able to get pregnant?  Will I ever be able to carry a baby, healthily, to full term?  My first pregnancy would have most definitely ended in a miscarriage.  To know that, and now to know that thanks to one person mentioning her experiences with endometriosis, I won't have to experience heartbreaking miscarriages in the future is an unbelievably bizarre feeling.  To mourn something that would have happened.  To know what my future would have held for me.  And now, to know that that WON'T happen, and that my future holds a different outcome, makes me incredibly grateful for modern medicine and for good friends who share their stories.

Now, I have a plan.  Tomorrow I have an MRI, next month I have a follow up appointment, and then a surgery - and then, hopefully, a future clear of the miscarriages and fertility issues that so many women suffer from.

Three months ago I had never heard of Endometriosis or a uterine anomaly.  Life happens quickly.

So, if you are suffering from an endless list of symptoms - related to the uterus, chest, ankle, or forehead - and keep thinking you'll get it checked out a month from now, or a year from now, or when the timing is right, let my story motivate you to GET IT CHECKED OUT NOW.  Nine times out of 10, it will be nothing.  But that 10th time always comes.  And it's better to get to it before it gets to you.

xoxo,
Eliza

~ saint valentine ~

I pride myself in being prompt.  I'm always concerned with being on time, leaving the house way earlier than I need to, and giving myself plenty of time to get ready in the morning as to avoid a last minute scramble.  But my blogging schedule doesn't reflect that.  So as per the usual, I'm posting this five days late.

(if someone wants to tick everything off of my to-do list, do my laundry, read two chapters of my comparative politics textbook, and make my lunch, Monday-Friday, then my blog promptness will reflect my real life promptness.  Until then, take what you can get.)

Valentine's Day, for some, is a day dedicated to reminding you of the mildly depressing fact that you're alone.  Everywhere you look there are public displays of affection, pinterest is exploding with wedding dresses and bouquets of flowers, and it seems that everyone you know who's over the age of 20 is getting engaged, having a baby, or having "THE MOST AMAZING VALENTINE'S DAY EVER."  You drown yourself in chocolate, glare (internally) at happy couples, and take solace in the fact that unless there's something you don't know, Tom Hiddleston spent his Valentine's Day alone also.

For others, Valentine's Day is a day of love.  Candy and flowers from your sweetheart. A romantic dinner for two.  Blah, blah, blah.  Etc., etc.

For me, and those like me, Valentine's Day is a day to pamper yourself and the ones you love.  I slept in (and by that I mean I slept until 9:15), went to brunch with my mom and sister, ate way too much chocolate, made vegan thin mints, took the entire day off from doing any homework, made a fantastic dinner, and sent out some snail mail.

{recipe from topwithcinnamon}

 As someone who is single and happy to be single, I found myself to be in neither a romantic nor a bitter mood, but instead, a happy mix of relaxed and whatever that feeling is called when you've combined a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, and four cookies.

Why be bitter about your relationship status when you can instead take a hot bath with a homemade face mask and curl up in your pajamas by 10 o'clock?

xoxo,
Eliza

~ remembrance ~

I remember 9/11.  I remember watching live coverage of the shootings at Sandy Hook.  And today I have added another day to my memory.

But this one is different.

This morning I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and felt strange - I'm a light sleeper and have two wild kittens, so this is not out of the ordinary, but this morning just felt different.  When I turned on my phone and opened facebook, I felt like someone pulled the floor out from under me.  A shooting.  A school shooting.  But this time not at a school I've never heard of or have to google to find out where it is.  This one is different.

This one is home.  This one is the town I've spent my whole life in.  This one is the school I've rooted for and worn the logo of since before I could speak.  This day, what happens in other towns, other schools, happened here, and now I fully understand the shock and terror that strangers on the news talk about.

No one I know was hurt or one of the hundreds who found themselves stuck in the same building with a shooter, but everyone I know is feeling something today.  We, as a nation, are not strangers to school shootings.  They happen, they leave the nation shocked and confused, they are remembered, but ultimately they fade from our immediate memories and our lives go back to normal.  But until we change our ways, we are doomed to repeat our past.

Here's what needs to change:

• mental health care.  It makes me so angry when I think about the mental health care in this country.  THINGS NEED TO CHANGE.  There are so many people out there who need help - not to be ignored.  These people are so often cast aside and isolated.  Simply throwing medication and stigmas at them will not help the problems.

• our attitudes towards the aggressors .  I know it's a hard thing to talk about, but in most shootings in this country, the aggressor is killed.  That person has family and friends, and in so many cases, those friends and family members are just as shocked as everyone else.  Tonight I not only think of those injured, but I think of the shooter and what he must have been going through to think of killing as an option.

• gun regulation.  I don't care what political party you belong to.  I DO NOT CARE.  I don't care whether you think "guns don't kill people, people kill people," guns certainly make that killing a hell of a lot easier.  Think of all the shootings this country has seen in the last ten years.  Are you honestly telling me that guns had NOTHING to do with that?  Anyone can walk into Walmart and purchase a gun, anyone can buy a gun off the streets, anyone can borrow a gun, steal a gun, and use that gun to kill.  Take away that gun and I'm pretty sure that situation would have a very different ending.  

These, among many other things, need to change in order for us to move forward and get out of this cycle.

Though I would rather forget this day, forget the fear and the anger and the panic, forgetting is what keeps us on the same road we're on.  I hope we continue to stand together and remember this day for what it was.  And I hope one day this type of event brings a reaction of "We must be the ones to stop this from happening in the future," instead of simply "Again?"

My thoughts go out to all those affected.
#FSUnited

xoxo,
Eliza

~ reflections ~

So tomorrow's July 4th.  We've had a heat index of 110.  I've officially run out of tank top/shorts combos.  

It's summer.

And boy, this summer has been a lot different then last year.  Last July I was fresh off a breakup (thank goodness I got out of that one), frustrated with life in general, and packing for a vacation with my mama.  I was excited for the trip but still feeling pretty shitty.

Then something happened. 

The moment we drove out of the neighborhood it was like the luggage in the backseat suddenly didn't contain all the emotional baggage I'd been carrying around with me.  For the first time in a while I was just sitting in the passenger seat, looking out the window, watching the cars rush past.  No negative thoughts.  No second guessing myself.  No worries.

Those negative feelings did creep back during the trip, but I had my little ways of pushing them out of sight.  Isn't that one of the things you have to learn in life?  How to control those things that demand to be heard, seen, and thought?  Before the trip I was pretty terrible at it, but something about the hum of the road and blur of the passing landscape lulled me into a moment of self-reflection that was a long time coming.

I could use another road trip like this one.

xoxo,

Eliza

~ d-day ~

Today we remember June 6th, 1944 and the men and women who fought for the cause.  Today I remember both my maternal grandfather and my paternal grandfather, who both fought in the war.  I also remember a very special day two years ago when we (my mom and aunt) took my grandfather Pop to see WWII planes at the airport.  It was an emotional day for all of us and one of his last outings.

{Captain Isadore Schneider}

{in the jungles of the Philippines - 1943}

Pop was a Captain in the Air Force and fought in the Philippians.  He flew through hurricanes, mountain peaks, and flew blind.  Being 25 years old, he was considered the "old man" among the teenagers, but if I knew him at all, he definitely held his own when it came to joke telling and prank playing.

Here's the story that I only heard him tell once, but that has stuck with me and with everyone who hears it.  Written by my mom.

"In the summer of 1943 my dad had to fly his C-47 cargo plane from Zamboanga in the south to Luzon in the north. Part of the way there he was trapped inside a massive hurricane and was blown off course. He knew that he would not be able to fly through the storm and make it back to Luzon without running out of fuel so he decided to bring the plane in at Manilla. The problem - to make the landing strip there he would have to fly his plane between two mountain peaks south of the runway, while being buffeted by hurricane-force winds and flying completely blind. For the next 60-something years, he still wasn't sure how he managed to make it in between the two mountains but he did, blowing out a tire during the rough landing. He taxied the plane to safety and sat for minute or two, in wonder that he'd made it through the storm, between the mountains, past the blown tire. He then glanced at the fuel gauges. Both were sitting on empty. I only heard my dad tell this story maybe three times in my life - the last time in his late 80s when Eliza interviewed him for a history project on WWII. He still wiped away tears as he told it. So many memories, so many close brushes with death. He was one of the fortunate ones who lived to come home to his family and friends. Remembering, this weekend, both those who didn't return and those war heroes (whether they consider themselves heroes or not) who came home with a lifetime of daily demons to wrestle."

It was a wonderful day.  

I miss Pop so much and think about him everyday.  I don't know where he was or what he was doing on D-Day but I know it's a day that he never forgot.  

Towards the end of his life he suffered from dementia, but the one subject he could always talk about was flying.

So, thank you to the men and women and the many members of my family who sacrificed so much for our country.  You are all so loved.

{Pop, second from the left, with fellow pilots at Shaw Field, SC - 1942}

xoxo,

Eliza

P.S. Here's a recording of Benedict Cumberbatch reading the 8am news broadcast from D-Day and Toby Jones reading the 9pm broadcast.  They're chilling.

~ greetings from the brink of insanity ~

I consider myself to be a pretty strong person, and I mean that in the less conceited way possible.  I have a high pain tolerance, I'm good at dealing with my emotions, I've learned not to turn pain and anger inwards, I haven't punched anyone yet, etc., etc.  But there's only so much a person can take before cracks start to appear.  

Those cracks, in my case, tend to show up in how I take care of myself.  The first thing to go is the daily vitamins.  I make excuses: "Well...I'm in bed and my blanket is really warm, and I'm super tired, and if I move then the cats will leave my bed so I'll just take them tomorrow."  "Well...it's pretty late and if I take them now then I'll have to drink water and then I'll have to pee in the middle of the night."  "It's really creepy in the kitchen...what if there's a murder hiding in the cabinet, waiting for me to walk in there....I better not take them tonight."  

You get the picture.

The next thing to go is the exercise.  I'm "too busy" or "too tired" or "my workout clothes are in the washing machine" or "well it rained yesterday so the road will be muddy" or "my toe hurts so I'll just do it tomorrow." 

Then I start eating unhealthy foods and forgetting to drink water, and finally I stop creating - no paintings, no sketching, no taking photos.

 Before I know it, it's two weeks later and I feel like crap.  

So here's my prescription for a healthier life....

01. GO OUTSIDE.  Sometimes when you're going through an emotionally traumatic experience, taking the time to appreciate nature is put on the back burner.

02. BUY YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS.  Or just admire them in the grocery store - smells are free!

03. EAT CHOCOLATE.  And lots of it!

04. SING IN THE SHOWER.  Just close the windows first - the neighbors might not appreciate hearing Adele songs being belted at 1 am.

05. WATCH A SUNRISE.  I know, I know.  Getting up early sucks.  But seriously, sunrises are gorgeous.

06. TAKE A NAP.  If you watched the sun rise, then you deserve one.  If you slept till noon, you still deserve one!

07. GO FOR A WALK.  

08. WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL.

09. HOLD A BABY.  If you can't find a baby, a cat will do.

10. WATCH SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.  Seriously.  SNL is an emotional cure-all, and they say laughter is the best medicine.  Give it a shot!

11. LAY IN THE GRASS AND WATCH THE CLOUDS.

12.  EAT WELL AND DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER A DAY.

And last but certainly not least...

13. TALK TO SOMEONE.  Talking about what you're feeling doesn't work for everyone, but it does help a lot of people.  Find someone who you trust, who is separated from the situation (i.e. if you're having family issues, don't talk to a family member.), and who you know well.  And don't be afraid to talk to a therapist or counselor.  They're wonderful and there to help you.

 Add or subtract what you like to this list, but I think it covers the basics of self-care.  My basics, at least.

If you're anything like me, you're so busy that sometimes you forget that you have to take care of your body so your mind can function properly and you can tackle the to-do list.  But I'm striving to change.

Remember that you can't help others unless you're healthy enough to do so!

xoxo,

Eliza

~ special moments ~

This past week has been full of new experiences, new feelings, and new loves, as well as old ones that have been rediscovered.

01. A new baby entered this world on February 26th who's wise, beautiful, and expressive, just like her mother, who is more a sister to me than just a friend.  I cannot wait to see this baby girl grow and experience this beautiful world, and I am so excited for her sweet, sweet mother.

02. After taking a long break from playing music, I came across some inspiration and picked up my guitar for the first time in ages.  It felt great (though it sounded far from great)!

03. I finished my final midterm today, meaning I'm halfway through this semester, and growing closer to summer every day.

04. I finalized everything for my trip to New York and now I'm feeling super excited and an ounce less stressed.

05. I realized that it's okay to be a slob once in a while.  Red lipstick and high heels don't have to be a part of my life every single day (and yoga pants are soooo comfortable).

06. I adopted a new life motto

xoxo,

Eliza

~ let's hear it for the boys ~

Let me just get it out in the open right away: I'm not a relationship person.
*And another thing: There's going to be a gallon and a half of sarcasm in this post.  Possibly a bit more.

Okay, so I'm not saying I've completely given up on the prospect of having a loving (non-feline) relationship sometime in my future, but I'm retiring from the ever-tiring search for "the one," a search that I've only halfheartedly participated in, and a notion that I only halfheartedly believe in.
When I was younger, I always said that I wouldn't date until I was 20.  It was mostly a stubbornness thing, but Young Me did have a good point (that being that I am an extremely picky person with incredibly high standards).  I could tell you the whole damn thing, but the short version of this tragic story ends with me breaking my personal vow at the wee age of 17.  But no matter.  If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

I'm not too sure why I've decided to renew Young Me's vow.  Maybe this is just the next step of settling into my crazy cat lady status, or maybe it's because Valentine's Day is fast approaching, but whatever the reason, I couldn't be happier.  Which brings me to the main point of this post - February the 14th is going to be a whole lot of awesome this year.  Here's why...

• I'm going to be livin' it up in Savannah on Valentine's Day, instead of my usual routine (*you know...eating chocolate, watching chick flicks, and crying softly into my pillow*)
• I'm on a new diet that allows me to eat as much chocolate as I want as long as I think about doing squats once during the day
• I'm back to wearing fiery red lipstick everyday

• New Girl and The Mindy Project exist (just in case I get a little sappy and need a good laugh to snap me out of it)
• I have my priorities sorted out

• I am 100% free of crushes....unless we're talking about fictional character, olympic athletes, or handsome british men, in which case my crush bank is overflowing 

• I've now read like 99% of Shakespeare's great love stories and I'm under the opinion that love is nothing to get all worked up over (or drown yourself over, for that matter...looking at you, Ophelia)

• this photo exists (via the Kitsch Bitsch on facebook)

There you have it, folks.  Of course there are many more reasons why this Valentine's Day is gonna rock, but that's all for now.  So, however you choose to celebrate this day of love, don't let it be the only day you show the ones you love just how much you love them.  Remember to dish out love every single day!

xoxo,

Eliza

~ get funky with it ~

People always say to dress for the job you want, live a life of inspired thought, and spread kindness wherever you go.  I've always heard that you should treat each day as though it's your last.  In other words, never put anything off or tell yourself you'll do it later.  Never waste a good outfit on a bad day, never miss an opportunity to do something spontaneous, etc., etc.  All these things sound fantastic, but the challenge comes with fulfilling the goals that society tells us to set while dealing with the obstacles that the universe throws in your path.

Now don't get me wrong!  I love dressing up, taking road trips, never missing an opportunity to tell someone how I feel, and I think that being kind is the greatest and most important part of life on earth.  But we all have off days.  Days that go downhill from the minute you get out of bed.  Days where the closest you get to a great outfit is looking at that photo of the gorgeous girl with effortless style that popped up on Pinterest while you talked yourself out of getting out of your PJs for the fifth time that day.  Yeah...eating a salad with quinoa and organic beets would be fantastic, but so would a bowl of cereal and half of the brownies you made last night.  Sometimes you're really bitchy to people you love, and you don't know why.  You're not mad at them, and they haven't even done anything wrong, but you just can't find any sympathy or kindness within yourself.

This is what I like to call, The Funk.

 You convince yourself that you'll exercise tomorrow...it's too late in the day to go for a run, you could do yoga but then you'd have to move the pile of clean clothes on your floor to make room for a yoga mat, you could find a pilates video on youtube but your laptop is almost dead and you don't know where the charger is.  The list could go on.  (fun fact - these are all excuses I've used in the past 24 hours).

So what's to be done?  How do you combat the "life sucks and everything's awful and I want peanut butter cookies but I also wanna get back in bed and watch chick flicks until SNL comes on" blues?  Here are some of my tried and true techniques:

01. The "Snap Out of It" method

I've tried this several times.  Telling yourself to get over something can actually either make you feel worse about the situation and you'll find yourself sitting on the kitchen floor eating ice cream from the carton, or it'll have an instantaneous, miraculous effect on you and you'll be feeling better in no time.

*This method works better when executed by Cher*

02. The "Listen to Music That Makes You Dance" method

Laughter may be the best medicine, but when you're in a funk, laughter can quickly turn to crying.  Play it safe and angry dance that funk away (the louder the music, the better).

03.  the "Change Out of Yoga Pants and Into a Vintage Ballgown" method 

Try it.  Even if you change back into your PJs five minutes later.

04.  the "Stay In Your Yoga Pants and T-Shirt All Day" method.

If 03. doesn't work for you, try this method.  See which one works best for you.

05. the "Eat Comfort Food" method.

Mac n cheese, Indian food, spring rolls, cinnamon bread, red beans and rice, bagels and cream cheese, Chinese food.  The list could go on.

06.  the "Sit On The Floor and Cry If You Need To" method

If anyone approaches you, kindly let them know that they can either join in and cry on the floor with you, or go far, far away and leave you to cry in peace.

Let's face it.  We all need a day off once in a while - a day off from eating right, dressing in our finest garb, being the designated listener, etc.  And even if you don't want a day off, you can bet your life the universe is gonna give it to you anyway.  

So make the most of this opportunity.  Shut off social media, wear the clothes that look like shit but are the comfiest garments you own, don't feel like you have to explain yourself or justify your feelings, eat the damn brownies, go for a long run or just stay in bed all day, it really doesn't matter.  Do what feels right. 

You won't always be in this funk.

xoxo,

Eliza

~ 2014 ~

Usually new year's eve is spent sitting at home in my pjs, thinking about everything that really sucked about the last year.  Pessimistic, I know.  But last night, I switched things up a bit.  Shopping with my mom, two parties, lots of laughs, and movie night with friends!

{went for the barbie look last night}

{Jason Wu for target dress, target necklace, gap shoes}

After resting up from last night's festivities, my mom and I carried on a 5 year tradition of jumping into Wakulla Springs on new year's day.  Since the spring stays a constant 69 degrees, when the weather is cold, the water feels warm!

Getting out of the water was hell, but it was totally worth it!

Thank you to everyone for brightening my days, making me laugh, and letting me vent when I need to.  I love you all dearly.  Happy New Year!!

xoxo,

Eliza

~ little things ~

01. stripes, leather, fur, and red lipstick.

02. picking out an outfit for tomorrow's new year's eve celebrations

03. interesting sights on my walk around the neighborhood

04. hanging up a world map in my room to remind me of how much I have yet to explore 

05. beautiful words from Carson McCuller's The Member of the Wedding

06. a joyous NYE photo from the 1940s

07. if I had to sum up 2013 in one word, it would be exploration.  How I started the year is very different from how I'm ending it.  People departed from my life, people came into my life - some staying longer than others.  I learned lots of valuable lessons, lost battles, found out that someone wasn't who I thought they were, broke down, and then picked myself back up.  I explored my creative side and found out that it's the side I'm most comfortable with. 

 I'm different person.  But change is good.  Here's to another year of lessons, triumphs, new relationships, strong friendships, new opportunities, and an abundant supply of hope.

xoxo,

Eliza